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MEMO: Re: TUNA (STOP!!!!)

Hey guys,

Just a quick little reminder that tuna is literally garbage, and if you eat it, so are you. ESPECIALLY if you eat it in Studio B right before I need to rehearse. This is a deplorable use of studio space. You SHOULD have seen the sign I posted on the door of Studio B, but in case you missed it somehow, it reads as follows:

“ABSOLUTELY NO FRAGRANT FISH TO BE CONSUMED IN THIS ROOM. NON-FRAGRANT FISH SUCH AS SOLE OR COD IS FINE AS LONG AS IT IS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 12AM AND 9AM. THNX, MANAGEMENT”

Some people have been contesting this sign, stating that I am “not management.” I would challenge this statement, as I have very clearly independently taken on a management-like stance on all fish-based issues at Instant (see my previous note on the proposed Instant fish tank). I DO NOT appreciate the drawings and notes (vandalism) that people have taken the liberty to add to my note. There is a time and place for phallic fish drawings, but my note is not one of them. I spent MY hard earned money to print it out at Staples, (because my home printer is broken) and I do not appreciate this intense disrespect. Be warned that if I find the guilty parties, I WILL be asking them for FULL reimbursement of ALL costs (incl. compensation for emotional damage). I’d also like to inform the individual who suggested that I might be the “real source of the smell,” that I am both offended and confused, but have looked into it and found no evidence that confirms this.

Furthermore, while it was not specifically stated on the sign, it should have gone without saying that whole fish SHOULD NOT be hammered into ANY of the walls in the studio. I would also like to address one of the more serious accusations laid out by the sign vandalism, which is that I am “fish racist.” I am, and always have been, a Fish Ally and contest any notion to the contrary. I simply do not believe that fish belong in the rehearsal space. I will be placing a new sign on the door and I ask that no one touch it or alter it in any way, the new sign will read as follows:

“ABSOLUTELY NO FRAGRANT FISH TO BE CONSUMED IN THIS ROOM. NON-FRAGRANT FISH SUCH AS SOLE OR COD IS FINE I GUESS AS LONG AS IT IS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 12AM AND 9AM. DO NOT TOUCH THIS SIGN, DO NOT HIDE TUNA IN CORNERS OF THIS ROOM (AGAIN), DO NOT COVER THIS SIGN WITH FISH PASTE AND TELL ME THAT I MUST HAVE ACCIDENTALLY USED “FISH PAPER” BECAUSE THE SIGN SMELLS LIKE FISH. DO NOT MAKE FUN OF THIS SIGN IN ANYWAY IT IS HURTFUL AND DETRIMENTAL TO MY CAUSE, WHICH IS REALLY A CAUSE THAT WILL BENEFIT US ALL IN THE LONG RUN. THNX, MANAGEMENT — PS. I AM NOT ANTI-FISH, I JUST DO NOT ENJOY THE SMELL WHILE REHEARSING”

Let me know if you have any questions or concerns of SERIOUS MERIT,

Instant Theatre Fish Management

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About the Author

Allie Entwistle is an improviser and sketch comedian from Vancouver, BC. You can watch her with her group National Anthem and follow her on Twitter and Instagram: @allieent

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