Do you ever feel like love is hiding from you? When I opened the facebook event for the Instant Theatre Date Auction, it felt like I was looking at a page of failed conquests. I have asked each and every one of those improvisers out on hot dates, and all of them said no! This was hard for me to cope with at the time, but it’s 1000 times worse now that I see that they are auctioning themselves off to date strangers! If they were that desperate for love, why didn’t they just go out with me?
I have a pretty honed system when it comes to finding dates. What I do is basically ask out everyone, that way I know what my options are. I like to stand out by using a lot of “out there” techniques such as heavy winking, google calendar e-vites, and cold-proposals, (where I propose to acquaintances with no warning) but often people remain unmoved. For example, when I got down on one knee and asked Nikolai if he wanted to “be the love of my life forever, let’s start now” he said that he was busy and “already in a relationship.” What kind of garbage is that?
After my failure with Nikolai I set up a secret date night for me and Ese, but forgot to tell her about it so she never came. When I texted her about it later she was unapologetic! How dare she! And now she’s going on a trapeze lesson date with whoever bids on her?? What the heck! Once Ese rejected me I invited Shane to his and my wedding, but he said he was busy. I was okay with that because it was kind of short notice, but then I saw that he’s going to the PNE with his auction date on our wedding day! I am so hurt! At this point I decided to group text Andrew, Lauren, Taz, Chelsea, and Janet the following: “Hot dating opportunity, text “HOTROMANCE” to 1-800-YES-DATE to learn more.” Nobody texted back, so I spent 5 hours making a photo mockup of what mine and Kerri’s baby would look like and when she found it she said it gave her “the creeps.”
I’ve since posted several “Dates Wanted” signs in Instant Studios, but my true recourse will be to take out a third mortgage on my laneway house and bet on each and every one of these suckers at the date auction! That way I’ll get all these dates and they will for sure fall in love with me!!
The Instant Theatre Date Auction Takes place on Saturday August 13th at Instant Studios. Allie Entwistle is barred from attending.